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Joke Quotes

Quotes tagged as "joke" (showing 1-30 of 404)
Cassandra Clare
“Investigation?" Isabelle laughed. "Now we're detectives? Maybe we should all have code names."
"Good idea," said Jace. "I shall be Baron Hotschaft Von Hugenstein.”
Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

Santosh Kalwar
“I was smiling yesterday,I am smiling today and I will smile tomorrow.Simply because life is too short to cry for anything.”
Santosh Kalwar, Quote Me Everyday

Cassandra Clare
“Don't stop there. I suppose there are also, what, vampires and werewolves and zombies?"
"Of course there are. Although you mostly find zombies farther south, where the voudun priests are."
"What about mummies? Do they only hang around Egypt?"
"Don't be ridiculous. No one believes in mummies.”
Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

J.K. Rowling
“One can never have enough socks," said Dumbledore. "Another Christmas has come and gone and I didn't get a single pair. People will insist on giving me books.”
J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

Rick Riordan
“It's hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one.”
Rick Riordan, The Last Olympian

Cassandra Clare
“Is this Clarissa Fray?" The voice on the other end of the phone sounded familiar, though not immediately identifiable.
Clary twirled the phone cord nervously around her finger. "Yeees?"
"Hi, I'm one of the knife-carrying hooligans you met last night in Pandemonium? I"m afraid I made a bad impression and was hoping you'd give me a chance to make it up to-"
"SIMON!" Clary held the phone away from her ear as he cracked up laughing. "That is so not funny!"
"Sure it is. You just don't see the humor."
"Jerk." Clary sighed, leaning up against the wall.”
Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

Joss Whedon
“Make it dark, make it grim, make it tough, but then, for the love of God, tell a joke.”
Joss Whedon

J.K. Rowling
“And it's Gryfindor in possession again, as Johnson takes the Quaffle— Flint alongside her —poke him in the eye, Angelina —it was a joke, professor, it was a joke...”
J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Hermann Hesse
“In eternity there is no time, only an instant long enough for a joke.”
Hermann Hesse, Steppenwolf

Michelle Hodkin
“Names?' the receptionist asked us.
“Jesus,” Jamie answered.
“Mary,” said Stella.
“Satan,” I said as I walked past her and pushed open the door to Ira Ginsberg’s office.”
Michelle Hodkin, The Retribution of Mara Dyer

H.L. Mencken
“We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.”
H.L. Mencken, Minority Report

Raymond Carver
“Honey, no offense, but sometimes I think I could shoot you and watch you kick.”
Raymond Carver, Where I'm Calling From: New and Selected Stories

Friedrich Schiller
“The joke loses everything when the joker laughs himself.”
Friedrich von Schiller, Die Verschwörung des Fiesco zu Genua

Louis C.K.
“Fuck it... That's really the attitude that keeps a family together, it's not "we love each other", it's just "fuck it, man.”
Louis C.K.

Marcus Brigstocke
“If Pac-Man had affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.”
Marcus Brigstocke

Lemony Snicket
“Reader: Dear Mr. Snicket, What is the best way to keep a secret? Lemony Snicket : Tell it to everyone you know, but pretend you are kidding.”
Lemony Snicket

H.L. Mencken
“A philosopher is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there. A theologian is the man who finds it.”
H.L. Mencken

Rick Riordan
“Getting some redecorating ideas?’ Nico asked. ‘Maybe you could do your dining room in mediaeval monk skulls.’
Hades arched an eyebrow. ‘I can never tell when you’re joking.”
Rick Riordan, The Blood of Olympus

Jen Campbell
“CUSTOMER: I’m always on night shift at work.
BOOKSELLER (jokingly): Is that why you’re buying so many vampire novels?
CUSTOMER (seriously): You can never be too prepared.”
Jen Campbell, Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops

Tom Robbins
“In the end, perhaps we should simply imagine a joke; a long joke that's continually retold in an accent too thick and strange to ever be completely understood. Life is that joke my friends. The soul is the punch line.”
Tom Robbins
tags: joke, life

Tamora Pierce
“I told Ersken, "Lately it's been like living on the knife's edge, never knowing which side I'll fall off on"
Ersken clapped me on the shoulder as we stepped into the street. "Cheer up, Beka. Maybe you were going to fall off that razor's edge before, but not today," he said, as good humored as always. "Today we're doing to jump.”
Tamora Pierce, Bloodhound

Christopher Hitchens
“An old joke has an Oxford professor meeting an American former graduate student and asking him what he's working on these days. 'My thesis is on the survival of the class system in the United States.' 'Oh really, that's interesting: one didn't think there was a class system in the United States.' 'Nobody does. That's how it survives.”
Christopher Hitchens, Hitch 22: A Memoir

Ilona Andrews
“When in doubt, poke the beehive with a stick to see if anything interesting flies out.
I clapped my hands. 'I had no idea Pit teams had such pretty cheerleaders. Can you do it again, but with more spirit this time?”
Ilona Andrews, Magic Strikes

Philip K. Dick
“But—let me tell you my cat joke. It's very short and simple. A hostess is giving a dinner party and she's got a lovely five-pound T-bone steak sitting on the sideboard in the kitchen waiting to be cooked while she chats with the guests in the living room—has a few drinks and whatnot. But then she excuses herself to go into the kitchen to cook the steak—and it's gone. And there's the family cat, in the corner, sedately washing it's face."

"The cat got the steak," Barney said.

"Did it? The guests are called in; they argue about it. The steak is gone, all five pounds of it; there sits the cat, looking well-fed and cheerful. "Weigh the cat," someone says. They've had a few drinks; it looks like a good idea. So they go into the bathroom and weigh the cat on the scales. It reads exactly five pounds. They all perceive this reading and a guest says, "okay, that's it. There's the steak." They're satisfied that they know what happened, now; they've got empirical proof. Then a qualm comes to one of them and he says, puzzled, "But where's the cat?”
Philip K. Dick, The Three Stigmata of Palmer Eldritch

David Sedaris
“The trouble with aggressive nonsmokers is that they feel they are doing you a favor by not allowing you to smoke. They seem to think that one day you'll look back and thank them for those precious fifteen seconds they just added to your life. What they don't understand is that those are just fifteen more seconds you can spend hating their guts and plotting revenge.”
David Sedaris, Barrel Fever: Stories and Essays

Ilona Andrews
“Jack didn’t fully get Jesus. Audrey tried to explain it, and he could repeat it back to her, word for word, but he still didn’t comprehend most of it. The best he could gather was that Jesus lived long ago, told people to be nice, and they killed him for it. At the end, he asked who was Jesus’ necromancer and if he was in the Bible, then Kaldar couldn’t stop laughing and had to sit down.”
Ilona Andrews, Fate's Edge

Gordon Korman
“Oh, no-" They weren't even on the runway, and Jonah's father was already immersed in his BlackBerry. "Remember those 'Live Large with the Wiz Generation' posters? Well, guess how that translates into Chinese- 'Jonah Wizard Makes Your Ancestors Fat'.”
Gordon Korman, The Emperor's Code

Douglas Adams
“It's unpleasantly like being drunk."
"What's so unpleasant about being drunk?"
"You ask a glass of water.”
Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Jennifer Lynn Barnes
“You'll have to excuse Zo's manners. She was raised by a group of indigenous swamp wallabies and is at times uncomfortable conversing with civilized humans."
"Look, it's like this-" Zo started to say, but then she interrupted herself. "Swamp wallabies?”
Jennifer Lynn Barnes, Tattoo

Patrick Rothfuss
“Then the high king carefully turned the golden screw. Once: Nothing. Twice: Nothing. Then he turned it the third time, and the boy’s ass fell off.”
Patrick Rothfuss, The Wise Man's Fear

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